Sunday, December 20, 2009

you came into my life really fast and i like it

big milestone. it has been exactly one year since i was diagnosed with depression. i'm fucking pissed off because i feel like i came so, so far and was doing so well not taking my meds and getting on with my life, but now its like i'm right back where i fucking started. struggle town. what the fuck is wrong with me? it is getting to the point where i almost just dont give a fuck about anything, just wanna pack my bags and move the fuck away from this fucked up place with all its fucked up people.

one good thing has happened lately...i got my puppy yesterday. strobe. he is so cute and i feel like he has filled part of the void that has been annoying me for so long. he has made me happier but i still feel like part of me is missing. it is the most frustrating pain, when you feel broken, and like there are pieces of you strewn all over the place but you cant find them all. i did not want this for myself, how did i let it happen? fuck this place, fuck the worlddd

Once upon a time, there was Candy and Dan. Things were very hot that year. All the wax was melting in the trees. He would climb balconies, climb everywhere, do anything for her, oh, Danny boy. Thousands of birds, the tiniest birds, adorned her hair. Everything was gold. One night the bed caught fire. He was handsome and a very good criminal. We lived on sunlight and chocolate bars. It was the afternoon of extravagant delight. Danny the daredevil. Candy went missing. The days last rays of sunshine cruise like sharks. I want to try it your way this time. You came into my life really fast and I liked it. We squelched in the mud of our joy. I was wet-thighed with surrender. Then there was a gap in things and the whole earth tilted. This is the business. This, is what we're after. With you inside me comes the hatch of death. And perhaps I'll simply never sleep again. The monster in the pool. We are a proper family now with cats and chickens and runner beans. Everywhere I looked. And sometimes I hate you. Friday - I didn't mean that, mother of the blueness. Angel of the storm. Remember me in my opaqueness. You pointed at the sky, that one called Sirius or dog star, but on here on earth. Fly away sun. Ha ha fucking ha, you are so funny, Dan. A vase of flowers by the bed. My bare blue knees at dawn. These ruffled sheets and you are gone and I am going to. I broke your head on the back of the bed but the baby, he died in the morning. I gave him a name. His name was Thomas. Poor little god. His heart pounds like a voodoo drum.

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